【GRE写作批改/范文】（21）3.0分GRE作文：成就/福利

The surest indicator of a great nation is represented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but by the general welfare of its people.

Nation is built around the people, and a nation can be called great only when its people all enjoy stable public welfare and have the opportunity to realize themselves. In this way, some people claim that the surest indicator is the public welfare, not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists. I could not agree with this claim because the achievements of those great people can surely be indicators of the welfare of its people.

First of all, the achievement of the ruler will directly affect the general welfare of the people. Take the Great Depression as an example. The Great Depression was a worldwide economic depression that lasted 10 years. It affected all aspects of society: the unemployment rate had risen and the wages for those who still had jobs fell. When Herbert Hoover was the administration of President, he was almost ineffective toward this disaster. However, after Franklin D. Roosevelt, the next administration of U.S. President, released New Deal, an immediate economic relief as well as reforms in industry, agriculture, finance, waterpower and housing were brought to this already deadly country. The New Deal was one of the greatest achievements of President Roosevelt and this program brings up the well-being of individual citizens in the United States. Take one of the great leader of the United States as an example, Franklin D. Roosevelt, being elected as the US president in 1932, used effective policy to deal with the Great Depression and saved the Americans out of this disaster. With his New Deal, America’s economy revitalized from the large amount of unemployment and low income. This is to say, the clever move of the great president, brought up the well-being of the individual citizens at the same time with achieving one of his most important accomplishment. Therefore, the achievement of the ruler of a nation will benefit the welfare of people in this nation and it can be an indicator of a nation’s greatness.

Also, the achievements of artists can improve people’s general welfare. For example, Paris is a very beautiful city benefiting a lot from its beautiful view. Every years, a large amount of people come to Paris for its attractive architectures. It cannot be denied that the wonderful architecture in Paris are truly works of art. No wonder so many people come to Paris just for a breakfast under the Eiffel Tower. As a result of this the tourism of this city blossoms, thus bringing up the well-being of every citizens. Besides those profits from the masterpieces of the artists, the artists themselves are able to earn for the country. For example, the famous French painter Claude Monet spent most of his life in his elder years in a suburb house making paintings about lotus. Many enthusiasts of Monet comes to his house, which also thrive the local tourisms as well. Claude Monet, a great impressionist painter, realized his own achievements and improved the local public welfare of the place he lived in at the same time. As a painter who had already been well known when he was still alive, he had more money to spend than other artists. As he getting older, he spent most of his money in his house located in suburb Paris. There, he painted many of the masterpieces about the lotus in the lake of his garden. After those wonderful pieces were publicized, many enthusiasts of his works came to his house, which had thrived the local tourisms along with the economy till now. Therefore, the more achievements of artists a country has, the more people will benefit from tourism, thus indicating the better general welfare.

When talking about the achievements of the scientists, science is always the basic foundation of a county. Without the achievements of scientists, the country can only rely on the archaic method of producing and has only a little chance to thrive the economy. For example, before the creation of airplane, transportation can be very time-consuming and tiring for travelers, but now, people can travel to another place within one day. In this way, a lot of formally impossible or difficult deals could be made. And even today, the technology of building airplane is controlled by several countries. According to the patent system, those other countries seeking to own airplanes for their country need to pay money for those countries holding the patents. Those money paid could be used to increase the welfare of the people in the country. Other achievements made by the scientists also works in this way. Albert Einstein, a great scientist almost known by everyone today, has a great achievement called Atomic theory. Atomic theory made his status in physics unshakable and also brought great improvement to the public welfare of people all around the world. With the Atomic theory, people built nuclear plants to produce electricity. This is a much more effective and cleaner method to generate power than traditional method that is through burning of the fossil fuels. Since this achievement, people in the countries with this technology can live with ample electric power without the potential danger of breathing in polluted air. Therefore, the achievements of scientists can also improve the over-all well-being of the citizens in the country.

It can be seen that the achievements of rulers, artists and scientists all do good for the general welfare of the people in the nation. Therefore, even if the surest indicator of a great nation is the general welfare of its people, the achievements of those great people are also important indicators of a great nation.

这位同学修改前的作文中的例子非常生硬，基本上就是把背诵的素材内容生搬硬套上来，缺乏扣题分析，修改后有明显的提升。

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